Dear Slide at Sprinbrook Pool: I Hate You.

SBPool3_4218223904so this is the slide in question. this slide has been in my life since i was 7 or 8 years old. as a child it was fun..and shiny..and something i would do 1000 times in a single day…As an adult who uses Capital Letters, this slide is a Summbitch Back Breaking Ankle Pulverizing Bite Your Tongue Because Your Kids Head Who Was In Your Lap Hits Your Chin Motherhumping Amusemnt Slide of Dadgum Death….there are two approaches on how to enter the water:

1..feet first..this is great if you are 4 foot 8 and weigh as much as a Hefty bag full of cheewawas…I am taller than that and weigh as much as a Hefty bag full of Giant Mutant Chewawas With a Glandular Growth Disorder…so goodbye ankles! say goodbye remaining cartilage or tendons or grease or whatever is in there to lubricate my bendy parts…so this leads to option TWO

2. stick your feet up and enter ass first…Yes, this is as visually appealing as it sounds, especially if you have the POV at noon on your clock..BOGEY AT SIX!!! I CANT SHAKE HIM!!! what?!

anyway..last night I chose to go in ass first..which actually meant flat on my back..i was thinking that by spreading out the surface area, e.g. my fat ass, that i would skip across the ocean like a stone( Nillson reference for those paying attention..for those not paying attention: you owe my 6.50, Canadian)…I di NOT skip..rather I sank like a rock…actually i plummeted through the water , it did not slow me down AT ALL( fuck you physics) and I pancaked my already woe-ridden spine into the annually painted concrete pool floor…suffice to say Hilarity Ensued..on a side note Bill’s Wife should change her name to Hilarity Clinton…i would vote for anyone named after a series of humorous circumstances..or humerus ones for that matter, i’ve always been a leg man…well that and boobs..and butts..and pretty much the rest of the body as well..LOOK A SQUIRREL!!!!

sooo, in conclusion….THAT SLIDE CAN KISS MY GRITS!!!!!

pick up dingy!

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How Jealousy Spurred Me to Make Biscuits

ok, so I guess I am a petty person. The other morning my lovely wife Rachelishungry decided to make some biscuits, and they turned out really nice. Light and fluffy, warm and tasty, just like her! minus the fluffy part of course…In other words her biscuits were the exact opposite of my many attempts at creating biscuits but actually making hockey pucks made of sawdust…I can cook almost anything, but a good biscuit has always eluded me for some reason which I have mentally swept under the kitchen rug for years…but  my wife’s biscuits made me so darn mad at myself i had to one up her and make even better biscuits, and by Jove and bu golly i think i did just that….sorry wifeishungry…i used an old recipe for Angel Biscuits from one of my vintage cookbooks…see, my biscuits were always too flat, like a can of pepsi sitting on the hood of a car in summer or the top of Glenn’s head…but the addition of yeast!?!?!?!?!?!? sounds like sacrilegious jibber jabber, but it sure did work..anyway..i ate one…lisaishungry ate one, catishungry ate one…somerandomladyintheshopishungry ate one…and we all agreed that they were the best biscuits ever made by anyone ever in the history of mankind, including your grandmother!!! yes YOU!!!!!<<<<<warning!!! the previous statement is probably not true in any way shape or form<<<<<<<

anywho, look at the pictures, yo! there’s even some pictures of the book store all up in this mofo!!! maybe even a PICTURE OF SOME POTATOES!!!!! FUDGE YES!!!! word to your mother..peace im out..abc-ya…drop the zero and get with the hero baby!!!!

 

 

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food…and more food

so…i have discovered the “depth of field ” setting on my phone and i feel like a bone-a-fide photographer-kind-of-dude—-i know its lazy but it still looks kind of neat-o..that’s right i said neat-o…..crazy busy day at the shop today…i got attaked by a giant fireball coming forth from our komado style grill!!! Its like a big green egg but its red..and it came from ther price is right…for realsies, yo…i assumed the ghost of Bob Barker tried to “know it biblically”…is he dead? dear lord i hope not..and what’s up with skinny Drew Carey anyway? its not right..makes the rest of us fatties look lazy…..it burnt off most of the hair on the inside of my left arm!!! it was like Mario was all pissed off and I was a koopa or whatever the fuck those little turtle looking bastages were called…fargin inceholes!!!  seriously!!! when was the last time anyone watched Johnny Dangerously!?!?!? Joe Piscapo was a comic freaking genius for at least once…my grandmother was a comic freaking genius once..ONCE….anyway, look at this food..come buy some food from me…bring mr shiny things or old fashioned boxing style posters or at least a wheat penny…or maybe a remote..and this ping pong paddle..wait, what?? SQUIRREL!!!!

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cinnamon rolls and grilled pizza crusts

So..busy day here…yet another farmer’s market…too tired to be witty wpid-wp-1433361944145.jpeg wpid-wp-1433361929660.jpeg wpid-wp-1433361906370.jpeg wpid-wp-1433357609953.jpeg wpid-wp-1433357617989.jpeg wpid-wp-1433357602932.jpeg

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What have YOU done this morning?

So, I’ve been a busy little beaver this morning. I know what you are thinking……” He said beaver…huhuhuhuhuhuh”…I’ve also said the words”cock” ,”ass” ,”tits” and “pussy” , but I was only referring to animals as if I was a youth in 1910…get your dern minds out of the gutter, for cheeseandcrackers sake!…half way done with baking for the day! now come and eat some!

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back in the saddle again

I’m back to being a professional cook after a brief absence, actually I  have been doing it for a year and haven’t updated the blog. So here are some photos of what I’m doing today I’m going to try to get this up and running again hope y’all like themwpid-imag0105.jpgwpid-imag0116.jpgwpid-imag0114.jpgwpid-imag0103.jpgwpid-imag0102.jpgwpid-imag0100.jpg

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J is for Jokes! Okay actually, J is for Joke.

For today’s A-Z Challenge http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/ I’m going to tell you all a joke.

It is an original joke written by by oldest son, Milesishungry. He has written many, many jokes, each one usually more absurd and confusing than the last, but he did stumble upon a gem of punnery and gunnery as it were. A a former class clown and a lover of bad stand-up everywhere, I was proud as could be. So, with no further ado……..

 

What do you call a gun that only shoots urine?

A pistol

 

you’ve got to say it out loud of course, and i think its quiet good..what do you think? Image

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