so this is the slide in question. this slide has been in my life since i was 7 or 8 years old. as a child it was fun..and shiny..and something i would do 1000 times in a single day…As an adult who uses Capital Letters, this slide is a Summbitch Back Breaking Ankle Pulverizing Bite Your Tongue Because Your Kids Head Who Was In Your Lap Hits Your Chin Motherhumping Amusemnt Slide of Dadgum Death….there are two approaches on how to enter the water:
1..feet first..this is great if you are 4 foot 8 and weigh as much as a Hefty bag full of cheewawas…I am taller than that and weigh as much as a Hefty bag full of Giant Mutant Chewawas With a Glandular Growth Disorder…so goodbye ankles! say goodbye remaining cartilage or tendons or grease or whatever is in there to lubricate my bendy parts…so this leads to option TWO
2. stick your feet up and enter ass first…Yes, this is as visually appealing as it sounds, especially if you have the POV at noon on your clock..BOGEY AT SIX!!! I CANT SHAKE HIM!!! what?!
anyway..last night I chose to go in ass first..which actually meant flat on my back..i was thinking that by spreading out the surface area, e.g. my fat ass, that i would skip across the ocean like a stone( Nillson reference for those paying attention..for those not paying attention: you owe my 6.50, Canadian)…I di NOT skip..rather I sank like a rock…actually i plummeted through the water , it did not slow me down AT ALL( fuck you physics) and I pancaked my already woe-ridden spine into the annually painted concrete pool floor…suffice to say Hilarity Ensued..on a side note Bill’s Wife should change her name to Hilarity Clinton…i would vote for anyone named after a series of humorous circumstances..or humerus ones for that matter, i’ve always been a leg man…well that and boobs..and butts..and pretty much the rest of the body as well..LOOK A SQUIRREL!!!!
sooo, in conclusion….THAT SLIDE CAN KISS MY GRITS!!!!!
pick up dingy!